Oct 30 -- Insight meditation part I

A: OK, so the first thing I wanted to say is that with the stuff we're
covering today, you're not at risk at this point, but at some stage, you
can't really go back anymore.  So we've already an example of this, the
cultivation of the immeasurables which we've done up to this stage have
been fabrications of emotions related to the immeasurables.  And if you
go far enough, you start to see that all emotions are fabricated, and
that changes your relationship to life in certain ways.  If you get past
a certain point, a reasonable distance past where this course is going
to take you, you need to find someone who seems to wise, who knows how
to practice this work, and who you'll listen to, if like you were
talking about, your patterns start running or something like that.  But
don't worry about it for this course.  It's just that because we're
starting to get into insight, it's important for me to tell you that.

G: [To "P"] Did you follow that?  I don't really, could you summarize?

A: Let me read you this section (pp 207-210) of Wake Up to Your Life, I
probably should have started there.

[Reads the section]

R: So, finish the job, I guess.

A: Basically, yeah, and as I was saying to the others [before you came]
you're not going to get to this point with the exercises that we're
going to cover in this class, but we're starting to get into stuff now
where we are taking apart these patterns, and past a certain point, that
process of dismantling develops a momentum that operates on its own.
You start to see parts of your life which you've depended on, but which
you haven't paid very much attention to, and you're going to want to
change some of those parts, but once you do that releases more energy,
which then if you're not paying attention, feeds back into other parts
of your life that you're not paying attention to.



OK, so I was going to bring that story up anyway, because that's getting
at the approach I want to talk about tonight, which is getting into the
insight component of Buddhism.  The way we've been cultivating the
immeasurables up to this point has been through a kind of fabrication in
a way, in the sense of letting the positive emotions from one situation
or person bleed over into another which we bring up in our minds.  And
that's not what the immeasurables are.  Like Ken was saying in that
excerpt, this is leading us toward the unconditioned mind.  So what
we've been doing so far is a form of conditioning.  It's a much better
form of conditioning than what we've been doing in [the rest of our
lives], but it's still conditioned.  What the immeasurables actually are
is something which arises from the unconditioned component of our
minds.

What do I mean by the unconditioned component?  We're going to talk
about ways of seeing the patterns in our life, and potentially ending
those patterns if we decide they should be ended.  And if you take all
the patterns in your life and end them, what you're left with at that
point is the unconditioned mind.  So that's an alternative way to
approach the immeasurables.  Instead of imagining a situation where
you've experienced loving-kindness in the past and bringing that feeling
into other parts of your life, what you do is you go to situations where
it's difficult to feel loving-kindness, and you look at the patterns
which are making that difficult for you.  And this is particularly
important for the final immeasurable, the one that we haven't looked at
at all yet, equanimity, because it's very hard to approach equanimity in
terms of this kind of bleed-over approach.

So before we go on to an exercise for how we're going to do this, I just
wanted to ask, does anyone have any questions about last week's
material, did anything come up there?

R: Can you elaborate on the bleed-over effect?

A: Oh, yeah, so I mean, like with metta, the way that works is you start
with something that's easy to feel metta for, and you build up a feeling
of metta there, and then you go to someone who's a little bit harder to
feel metta for, and you do the same thing there, and you've got this
kind of momentum from the first person that carries over into the next
person, and just progress through like that.  With equanimity, it's hard
to do that, 'cause it's like, "Oh, yeah, that's OK."  And then you go to
this other situation, "Oh that's OK, too."  'Cause that's not really how
equanimity looks.  It really is just getting all the patterns out of the
way.

So, I thought as a demonstration of this approach we would work with joy
again.  There are instructions about this in the book, but they're a
little complex, and I don't think they're good for when you're starting
out.  These instructions, which he came up with a few years later, are
much simpler and easier to work with.  The idea here is, you have these
sayings, they look like prayers, and you can actually approach them that
way, but they're not prayers in the sense of requesting assistance from
a deity or something like that.  They're just wishes.  And the point of
these wishes, again, is not to actualize the wish in some way, it's that
these wishes correspond to the immeasurables they're associated with,
and they will bring up for you the patterns that make it difficult to
connect with that immeasurable.  So, for instance, "May I be free from
preference and prejudice."  If you imagine  wishing that for yourself,
does anything come up?

R: Seems like it might be nice.

A: OK.  How about, "May I experience the world knowing me just as I am?"
Personally I find that terrifying.

R: I don't know, I guess that sounds sort of liberating, I guess.

A: Cool.

G: That's already true, for better or for worse!

A: Cool.

So that's the way these things work.  We're not actually going to work
with these tonight, we're going to do something else.  So this is an
exercise from his book, it's called "Artist and Critic" so we're going
to pair off and one person will be the artist and the other will be the
critic.  And the artist's job is to arrange a set of toothpicks in a
nice way.  And the critic's job is to point out what's wrong with the
arrangement so far.  They don't have to be reasonable criticisms, they
just have to be critical.

G: I'm going to enjoy this exercise.  [Laughter]

A: This will bring us in touch with the critical attitude which all of
us carry around, I think, and gets in the way of joy.

OK, so Rob and I'll pair off, and you guys pair off, and, so we should
start by cultivating metta.  Let's spend five minutes cultivating for
ourselves, then five minutes cultivating metta for our partners.

A: Here's your artistic medium.  I guess we should all just sit on the
floor for this...

R: So, we just, ah, make a pattern on the floor?

A: I think you're being a bit dependent there. [Laughter]

First run through, the artist has to do what the critic says.

R: What's the goal of this exercise.

A: It's to get you hearing the critic in your own head.

R: Ah, so you instruct me on what to do.

A: Well, again I think you're being kind of dependent there.  You do
something, and I'll let you know what the quality of it is.

[We play for a while]

A: All right, so let's do it again, and this time the critic plays the
same role, but the artist does whatever you want.

R: So I listen to you this time, and I just ignore it.

A: Yeah, that's it.  Come on, get started.  Oh, you don't have to do
the opposite of what I want either!  [Laughter]

[We play for a bit, then swap roles.]

So, what was that like, on either side?

R: Minor annoyance... I don't know, I guess that's pretty much it.
Maybe I was just having too much fun with it.

A: What about you guys?

P: It was a lot rougher to be the critic.

R: Yeah, it was a bit more difficult to be the critic.

G: I don't know, it was fine.

A: OK, we'll just have to go to a different exercise, then.  Let's have
a look at the prayers for joy on here.

R: What were we supposed to get from that?

A: Well, another way to aprroach this would be, can you think of any
situations in your life where you think you've done a terrible job and
everybody else has been really happy with what you've done.  Or any part
of your life which you're dissatisfied with, where when you tell other
people you're dissatisfied they go "Are you crazy?"

G: Yeah, volleyball.  They think I'm doing just fine, but if I miss a
hit, it's like "Oh..."

R: And you think they're just being polite, maybe.

G: Yeah, I mean I'm better than the worst people, but I expect more of
myself.

R: There have certainly been cases where I'm not sure if I did a good
job and maybe I've been looking for approval and never get it, so I'm
unsure of myself, so I'm not sure if there's something there, but I
can't think of an example [like you're suggesting].

A: That's fine, that's good.  Something where you're unsure about
whether you're doing a good job, but nobody's telling either.

P: Yeah, school.  There have been lots of papers where I think "It's
awful" and then I get an A.

R: That's never happened to me.  When I think I did terrible, then I did
terrible.

A: Hmm, well a lot of people have this kind of thing, and this exercise
brings it out for many.  But, that's OK.  These situations which you've
been talking about, just think about them and think about this line,
"May I experience the world taking joy in all that I do."  And remember,
the idea is not to actualize this wish.  It's to set up a friction
between that situation and this wish.  Does that make sense?

R: Not exactly.

A: You're uncertain about... actually, ["G" and "P",] you guys do [the
line I just said].  "R", you do "May I know what to do, whatever
arises.

R: Oh, OK.  So just think about the kind of experience I just mentioned,
then think about "may I know what to do whatever arises," and come to
terms between the two.

A:  Not come to terms, but notice the conflict, notice what comes up in
the conflict.  So let's do that for two minutes.

G: That was difficult.

A: What came up for you?

G: Well, the whole team gets annoyed when you miss the ball, so it's
hard for the world to be joyful.  It was difficult to reframe it.

A: So, it's difficult to imagine experiencing joy in the context of
someone disapproving of you.  How about you?

P: I was feeling anxiety and some embarassment, because we're talking
about people experiencing joy for things that I'm not proud of, I
guess.  So that was confusing.  Kind of a relief, but also a confusion.
I don't know how to feel about it.

R: I actually ended up going with "May I experience the world taking joy
in all that I do."  Because I still don't feel like the world is taking
joy in everything that I do.  And it's hard to, when, say I'm sitting
around wasting time, not being productive, how do you take joy in that.

A: So, this good, because this is what I was trying to get at with the
matchstick exercise, the critic being disapproving of the artist.  Now
the question is, we've got in touch with this sense of conflict, of we
would certainly like to experience the world taking joy in everything
that we do, we would certainly like to experience joy regardless of what
the world thinks of us, but these things are very hard to do.  Now, the
question is, once you get in touch with something like this, what do you
do with it.  And we're going to cover this in more detail in next week's
class.  Next week's class is going to be explicitly about insight, which
leads to equanimity, and this is kind of a special case of that.  The
first step in insight is always to see these patterns in operation.
It's kind of the first noble truth on a moment-to-moment level.  Do
people know the four noble truths?  So in Buddhism, after the Buddha's
enlightment, his first talk, he introduced these truths:

  Life is suffering
  Suffering has craving as its cause
  There is a cessation to suffering
  There is a path to the cessation of suffering.

These confused the hell out of me for a long time, what possible
practical use could there be for these?  It turns out these are actually
practice instructions.  They're not really truths in the usual
ontological sense we're used to thinking about.  The way it works in
practice is "life is suffering" corresponds to identifying the suffering
in a situation, or identifying the patterns of reactivity, and that
doesn't seem like a big deal, but it's amazing how much suffering goes
on our lives without us even noticing.  So exercises like this are
useful for that.  The next step is "craving is the cause for suffering."
So how that works on a practice level is when you've identified
suffering that's going on, you ask "What is the origin of this
suffering, what am I craving here."  Any suggestions, here?

G: Yeah, I want to win, I want to do really well, be the most athletic.
That's what's creating my suffering, because the fact that I'm trying
isn't good enough.

A:  What about what you were saying a moment ago about the team?

G: Yeah, I guess it's the same thing; they want to win.  I do the same
thing when other people miss a serve, it's really bad.

A: So what are you craving that gets in the way of joy when people are
disapproving of you.

G: Success, maybe?

R: Competitivness?

A: Another stage in insight practice is discernment.  This is kind of
Zen koans, if you're familiar with that.  You use the concentration
capacity that we've been developing, and you use it to just hold a
question.  So you make the question the object of your attention.  You
don't try to answer the question, you just make it the object of your
attention.

So why don't we do that for these situations where you're experiencing
stress because someone is disapproving of what you're doing.  We'll just
do that for a minute.  Just imagine the situation and ask, "What is the
cause of this stress?"

R: I don't really have that much stress in my life, I guess.  I'm
craving not suffering, so maybe it's like a vicious circle.  Not that
I'm particularly suffering, either.

A: Yeah, so suffering is a translation of the word "dukkha" which means
stress, dissatisfaction with the way things are.  It doesn't necessarily
mean stress.  It means that there's something that you're reacting to
that you're dissatisfied about.  Another question to hold would be "What
am I dissatisfied with in this situation?"  Or "What am I craving in
this situation?"

R: But that's more complicated to, because everything leads back to
yourself, doesn't it?  You're putting yourself in the situation, so
really it all boils down to you're dissatisfied with yourself.

A: OK, so you're dissatisfied with yourself, so what do you crave in
that situation.

R: Change, I guess, I can't really narrow it down more than that, just
general change, really.

A: So, use that as the question: "What characteristics..."  Hmm, what's
the right way to phrase this question?

R: Maybe you're saying "how can you make your life better?"

A:  No, the issue here is there's something that you're clinging to as a
characteristic of yourself which you would like to have.  It's not how
can you change your life, it's "What do I thirst for here?"

G: I look at it a little differently.  The way I'm approaching this is
that what I'm wishing for is that things would be different than what
they are and that's what's causing my suffering, you know, I wish I was
more athletic than I am.  So it's not that I need to become more
athletic to ease my suffering because there's no end to that, even if I
join the olympics and I'd still be dissatisfied.  Or I could just accept
who I am right at this very moment, how many of my serves go over at the
moment, and once you accept that and you accept which of your teammates
are going to miss a serve, and you're fine with that, then there is no
suffering.  That's just the way it is.

A: Mhmm, that is equanimity, and it is what we're heading towards.  The
question is, how's that working out for you?

G: Most of the time, awesome.  Sometimes, not good at all.  Very few
times, but sometimes, deep end.  So this is good.

A: OK, so could you pick one of those times?

G: Yep.

P: Well, I'm dissatisfied all the time.  [Laughter]

R: Yeah, when you have a general dissatisfaction, what are you really
craving?  You're just craving not being dissatisfied.

A: Craving not being dissatisfied.  We can work with that.  Would that
sum you up?

P: My question was going to be why am I dissatisfied, if we just
answered that, then what's my question?

A: Well, if you work with "I'm always dissatisfied, that's going to be
very hard, but... let's try this a different way.  Think of a situation
in which you've been dissatisfied with yourself recently and hold the
question "What characteristics that I'm craving in myself lie behind
this dissatisfaction?"

[one minute passes]

So, who has a craving of a characteristic of yourself?

R: There's been some brief points in my life where I have absolutely no
craving in my life, all worries or expectations just sort of disappear.
Normally those situations arise for me when I'm at an extreme of
something like, say I'm out backpacking in the woods for days on end.
You're really concentrating on the moment, it's a really Zen-like
experience.  Or if you're really in love with someone and you're with
that person.  And then the funny thing is you don't even realize it
until you get back and join your daily routine again, and all of a
sudden, "Oh, man, I was so free at a that moment."  So I guess that's
what I'm craving, experiencing that rather than just for brief moments.

G: My life's the opposite.  It's the reverse of what you're saying.
There are unusual days or moments where there are cravings for things
and I'm distracted and off-kilter.

P: I guess I'm craving love.

A: That's fantastic, that's really good.

Well it sounds like we all have a craving.

So we have suffering, the suffering is caused by craving.  So let's do
tonglen for this.  So, breathing in, you experiencing the craving.
Breathing out, offer something good, e.g. breathing in, you experience
the craving for love, breathing out, you feel love for someone else.
Just modulate the breathing in of the craving to match the extent to
which you feel the love as you're breathing out.  And the principle here
is that this leads to the cessation of craving.  Now, this takes a bit
of practice.  But let's just try it for three minutes, and see how that
goes.

[Three minutes pass]

So what was that like?

P: I'm still confused about how I'm actually doing this.  What am I
actually breathing in, what am I breathing.  So I'm just thinking about
these different things as I'm breathing in and breathing out.  But also
that's kind of hard to switch gears so fast, takes a while to sink into
these things.

A: Yeah, it takes a bit of time.  What was it like to be choosing to
feel that craving repeatedly like that?

P: I wasn't able to do it very effectively.  It was hard to experience
these things, and then on a meta-level experience my experience of
them.  By the time I got to that, I was thinking "Woah, what's going
on?"

A: Yeah, that takes practice, too.

R: I'm going to need to practice on that, too.  I guess I got the basics
of it, but I don't feel like I was really into it.

A: It was kind of flat?

R: Yeah.

A: Yeah, it takes time to establish some connection to this.  It's worth
it, because I know from experience that this kind of thing can release
those cravings.  So, this is what I suggest you do for this week.  Pick
one of these [Four immeasurables sayings], whichever one seems to be
bringing up some sort of conflict for you, and go through that exercise
with the craving, understanding the craving which underlies the
dissatisfaction, and then working to experience that craving, and as
["P"] was saying, to experience the experience of it.  That's an
important part of insight.

Next week we'll go over the process of insight in more detail and
hopefully it'll become clearer, and at least you've got some aspects of
insight to work with.

From this point forward, meditation becomes more a kind of an experiment
and a kind of an engineering of your mind in a way.  You just keep
trying things, and seeing which things lead to peace and to skillful
states of mind.  What we've covered today is one which has been working
very well for me.  And it's really behind all Buddhist practices.  It's
kind of the seminal Buddhist practice in a  way.

R: These [four immeasurables sayings] actually look good to read every
day.  I feel like if I did that, I'd have a better day.  They seem like
really useful things to repeat to yourself.

A: They're good things to hold in attention even if you're not trying to
do this kind of uncovering process.  And actually, if you go further
with the methods we've been using up to this point, you end up having to
do the same thing, anyway.  Sooner or later in the cultivation of
metta, you'll hit someone who represents something that you just can't
stand, and then you kind of have to shift gears, it's not enough to just
try and feel it.  You've got to get into the semantic components of it
and pull it apart.